A Slight Misunderstanding
by XXsKelEtOrXX
Summary: Voldemort was gay. He wanted to rape Harry Potter. And he wanted to detach Lucius's penis from the rest of his body to do it.


AN: I've always found it so funny how in the Harry Potter series, the word 'wand' can be taken two ways. Of course, JKR never took advantage of the possibilities. But I've seen so many fanfics mentioning the double meaning that I decided I should write my own little take on it. I've been rereading DH this past week, and the Death Eaters' reactions to Voldemort needing to borrow a wand sparked my interest. As JKR puts it, "The faces around him displayed nothing but shock; he might have announced that he wanted to borrow one of their arms." So, what if Lucius Malfoy took it the wrong way? I figured hilarity would ensue. And I was right. Enjoy!

Disclaimer: Not mine. I swear.

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A Slight Misunderstanding

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"I understand better now. I shall need, for instance, to borrow a wand from one of you before I go to kill Potter."

All of the Death Eaters except for one shrank back in horror from the Dark Lord. Lucius Malfoy was too shocked to even move. _Why was the Dark Lord trying to get lucky before he took over the world? And…didn't he have his own means for, ahem, getting lucky? _He wondered.

And then an even darker possibility ran through Lucius's mind. What if Voldemort wanted _his_ wand? Lucius quickly crossed his hands over his groin.

"No volunteers?" Voldemort said.

"Let's see…Lucius, I see no reason for you to have a wand anymore."

No, this couldn't be happening. Lucius barely managed to croak out a feeble "My Lord?"

"Your wand, Lucius. I require your wand."

Lucius shuddered. "B-but my L-Lord…Narcissa-,"

Voldemort sent Lucius a patronizing look. "Narcissa has her own wand, Lucius. As I'm sure you already know."

Lucius looked at his wife in shock. He'd never seen even a glimpse of a penis anywhere on her. And anyways, how would Voldemort know? Oh, gods. He'd been cuckolded by his Master. And even worse, his wife was secretly a girl. With a penis.

Bellatrix leaned toward Voldemort and said, "My Lord, I will give you my wand! There would be no greater honor!"

Voldemort ignored her, still staring at Lucius, who was now horrified by the idea that his sister-in-law had a wand, too.

"How large is it, Lucius? Pull it out and show me."

Lucius tightened his grip on his robes and whispered the first thing that came to his mind. "I don't have it."

Voldemort snorted at him. "I don't believe that for a moment. If you won't give it to me, then I will have to forcibly take it from you. But first, the matter of the lengths. When I saw it last night, I would say yours was about ten inches."

_How did he know? _After the Muggle torturings yesterday, Lucius had relations with Narcissa. He hadn't seen the red snake-like eyes peering at him from the closet. And he hadn't any idea that Voldemort was a voyeur.

Unaware of Lucius's trauma, Voldemort continued, "That's not too much of a difference. Mine is thirteen inches. Now, Lucius, let's spare the drama. Just give me your wand."

"I—I don't have it, my Lord."

"Nonsense. No Death Eater goes anywhere without their wand. I see it poking out of your robes. Give it to me, Lucius. I need another wand to destroy Potter."

"My Lord, it would hurt too much…I couldn't handle it."

"What, are you attached to it?" Voldemort jeered.

His kinsmen laughed loudly at Lucius's predicament. Lucius was trying not to hyperventilate. Voldemort was gay. He wanted to rape Harry Potter. And he wanted to detatch Lucius's penis from the rest of his body to do it.

"Lucius, it's a fine piece of wood, I'm sure, but you have no reason to get all bent out of shape about it. I'll try not to destroy it. I might even polish it up, if that would make you feel better," Voldemort teased.

"Please, my Lord. I beg of you!"

"This is your last chance, Lucius. Give me your wand, or I will be forced to take it myself. And then you will feel Lord Voldemort's displeasure."

Lucius gave a breathy little scream and passed out.

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When Lucius came to, his groin region throbbed. He opened his eyes, and saw Voldemort standing over him.

"I have some good news and some bad news, Lucius. Good news first, eh? Well, Potter is dead. The bad news is that when I took your wand away, I accidentally took your genitals with it."

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AN: R.E.V.I.E.W. Review! Review!

The lass/doth hope/the rea/ders shall/review

And by/readers/my dear/she doth/mean you

A nice little Shakespearean couplet for you all. Dost thou seest the effort I putteth forth in mine writing?


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